I Could Have Been a Contender


ELBEE Look at all of these trophies. Don’t I look fabulous with them? Hold your applause. I was set up by a certain Pack Leader. “Why” is a whole other issue.

I had my chance at glory a few years ago when she took me to agility class. I was a natural. I conquered every piece of equipment almost immediately. I ran through tunnels, flew through weave poles, jumped through tires. I started having visions of trophies and TV interviews. Then, a few weeks into class things changed.

OK, I admit that I may have ruined Elbee’s dreams of glory.  At first it was going  great. I just had to help him with the various stations and cheer him on. We were a team. Then I found out there were going to be two major problems.

First, I was going to have to run around the course with Elbee. As some of you know, running is against my religion. Second, I was supposed to memorize the course so I could lead him around as I was running. This was a recipe for disaster. My sense of direction is worse than my running.

20150131_151713_1472427295661_resizedTHE DOODS She’s not kidding. When we walk in unfamiliar areas with her, we pee on trees so that we can find our way back.

When the time finally came, we were given ten minutes to memorize the course. I panicked. I’m more of a verbal than a visual kind of learner.  Even when I did bodybuilding routines I had to write down every move.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s why I’ve never been asked to appear on Dancing with the Stars. It would take forever to teach me the routines because I wouldn’t be able to pick them up just by watching.

ELBEE Excuse me, Dancing with the Stars? I admit that sometimes I don’t recognize the “stars,” but Pack Leader had a cameo in I Love You Man. What is she thinking? And will you look at this picture. Charley should be on the show. His photo was in the table of contents of The Saturday Evening Post right below Dancing with the Stars! Coincidence? I don’t think so.


I’m sorry to say that Elbee and I became agility drop outs. Even the teacher was sorry to see us go because she got a big laugh out of watching me get lost on the course.

ELBEE For the record, P.L. became a drop out. I didn’t have a ride so I was forced to quit. The good news is that Charley and Gus backed me up and refused to ever watch an agility competition again.