Hiking with some friends one morning this week, we got on the topic of marathons and other long distance events. I shared that several years ago I had done the Avon 3-day breast cancer walk from Santa Barbara to Malibu. I can’t even remember the last time I’d even thought about it.
In a crazy coincidence, that afternoon a friend who was going through old files, 
like so many during the pandemic, texted me a photo from the finish of the event. It was a thank you I’d sent to people who had helped with fundraising. By the way, I’m smiling in this picture because it was before my legs totally cramped up.
In another sort of coincidence, my oldest daughter sent me a link to an act, or as she called it, “a non-act,” on America’s Got Talent. What are the chances it was a female bodybuilder who was my age?
ELBEE That is a terrible coincidence segue.
I’m sure it was meant as a preemptive strike. My daughter was afraid I might have seen the woman and started getting big ideas. As the oldest, she has the most vivid and in her mind the most embarrassing memories of my bodybuilding competition years.
The woman looked great for a senior, right down to her tan and her print bikini. The problem, well one of the problems, was that she kept running around doing double biceps poses, pointing and yelling “pow.” I was kind of horrified.
ELBEE I’d say she was kind of jealous.
I immediately texted my daughter that I could do so much better. I’d include Gus and Stanley and have a combination bodybuilding/dog act. If I could tell a joke or two, it’d be a trifecta. She was not in the least bit surprised.
ELBEE Neither was I
Of course I was kidding, sort of, but visions of costume changes and funny poses with Gus and Stanley started dancing in my head. Could all of those push-ups I’ve been doing lately pay off?
STANLEY She’s been taking photos in the closet with the good lighting.
I’ve been watching the show, scoping out the competition. It’s become a guilty pleasure like the Hallmark Channel. There was a little girl with a dog act and there were some acts for strength and balance but none with my winning combination.
ELBEE Shocking
I actually came up with an exciting pose for the finale. I’d bench press Gus.
GUS Is it too late for me find a new home?
Even better, I’ve noticed that the judges are much slower to press the loser button for old people. I could have my big tv moment under the lights before anyone realized what was happening.
GUS & STANLEY We’re calling our attorney.
