Me and the Doods.com

Squirrels: Cute or Spawn of the Devil

Yesterday I had an up close and personal encounter with a squirrel. It was kind of ironic because I’ve been meaning to write about squirrels.

THE DOODS Does anyone besides us think that sounds really lame, like Pack Leader has no life. Aren’t we more interesting? Even a daughter asked “why?” when she told her the idea.

Anyhow, I was walking in a local park (without the Doods) when an adorable little squirrel ran over and sat down next to me. I had some nuts in my fanny pack so decided to share. The squirrel, let’s call it Sammy, stood up, put his paws on my wrist and gently took the food.

Yes, I know this falls in the stupid category like hiking alone. I shouldn’t be feeding wildlife and certainly not out of my hand but its cuteness won out.

When I shared the incident with the same daughter, her response was unprintable. Even my 2 1/2 year old granddaughter weighed in and said “silly, bad grandma,” when I sent the photo, but I think we all know she was coached.

THE DOODS OMG what was she thinking. First of all, she named it?? And didn’t she see the episode of Sex and the City when someone said that squirrels were just rats in cute outfits? Yes, that show is our guilty pleasure.

Not to mention these are the same evil rodents that harass us from trees and fences when they know we can’t reach them. They chatter at us and you would not believe the rude things they say. They use language we can’t repeat. They’ve even thrown nuts at us. And has she forgotten about rabies? At least we’re vaccinated.

ELBEE I did have one funny moment with a squirrel. I found a huge dead one that had rigor mortis (like Gus, I get my vocabulary from Charley) and was prancing along next to PL holding it in my mouth. She started praising me for heeling so nicely, looked down, saw my prize and screamed. It made my day.

Head for the Hills

This morning I did something that I never recommend and which is probably stupid. I took off and went hiking by myself. My hiking friends were either incapacitated, out of town or on hiatus and I needed to go up into the mountains to clear my head and put things in perspective.

THE DOODS.We’ll put things in perspective. She should not be wandering around the mountains alone. She’s impossible. We need to get the daughters on this one

For the record I was not wandering. I was sweating my way up the “butt burner,” a local trail that’s just what it sounds like. I was working really hard, hoping I’d make it to the top.

I was also deep in conversation with myself because there was no one else to talk to, not even the dogs. Just when I was afraid I might not be all that interesting, I heard a couple coming up the trail, arguing about politics. I realized that chatting with myself was definitely preferable. Unfortunately, I did have a minor identity crisis. I ran into several people who said they almost didn’t recognize me without the Doods.

THE DOODS We just don’t like hiking in warm weather. It’s uncomfortable. Our hair gets flat. We hate those horrible foxtails that get in our feet, and we’re scared of the rattlesnakes. Not to mention there are lizards the size of rats.

GUS And don’t forget the coyotes. I weigh 25 pounds and I’m a pacifist (Charley taught me that word) what am I supposed to do if one of them comes after me? Discuss??

This morning was very uneventful, but I did have a disturbing encounter another time when I was hiking alone. Yes, I’ve done it before. Some workmen were repairing gas lines in the mountains. As I walked by, one of them asked me if I was nervous being up there by myself. For some reason my hand went right to my big ugly fanny pack. He asked, “Oh, are you packing?” I answered “Yes I am.” He meant gun. I meant sandwich.

The good news is that this morning I came down with a clear head, nothing broken, nothing bleeding and no snake bites. Even better, I wouldn’t have to do squats or lunges at the gym.

ELBEE Am I the only one who thinks that’s pretty lame as far as good news goes?

A Special Goodbye

In the wake of the horrendous shootings in Florida, I have chosen to write about a man who represents the best of our country. Frank Callahan was honorably discharged from the U.S. Navy in 1945 after receiving a Purple Heart. He was also awarded the Silver Star for gallantry in action as a hospital corpsman attached to the Marines. He was a special agent for the FBI from 1951-1979.

Above all, he was a gentleman, a wonderful husband, father to four daughters and friend to many. He was also a buddy to the Doods. During his last hospital stay, shortly before he passed, I had the privilege of bringing the dogs in to visit and cheer him up. He was resting when we reached his room but as soon as I tapped on the door, he woke up, saw the dogs and got the sweetest smile on his face.

He wanted to pet the dogs so I lifted Charley and Elbee gently onto his bed. His smile grew even wider as they snuggled close to him while he rubbed their heads. We spent the next few minutes in peaceful conversation, totally forgetting his illness. I took photos for his daughter Tracy to share with the family.

Frank passed away at home days later. He was buried with honors in Arlington cemetery. My deep gratitude goes to him and to his family for those precious moments we spent in the hospital and for the sweet memory of him with the Doods. At difficult times we need to focus on the people who make our country great.

The UCLA Candlelight Vigil

Last night, as part of the People Animal Connection at UCLA, I had the privilege of bringing the big and little Doods, Charley and Gus, to the candlelight vigil for professor William Klug who was senselessly murdered on Wednesday. I strongly believe in the work of therapy dogs but to see them in action last night gave me an even greater respect for their power of healing.

As we slowly made our way through the huge crowd gathered on campus, one person after another asked if they could pet the dogs. At times there were 6 or 7 people around them, petting them, hugging them. With tears streaming down their faces, men and women of all ages would break into smiles at the interaction.

At one point, Josh, a wonderful young man who works on campus, walked slightly ahead of us asking if anyone needed some dog therapy or love. Not one person said no.

At eleven, Charley is a pro but even for him this was a difficult situation. When he would encounter someone who seemed to have an even greater need, he would do his famous “lean” as if to offer support. Gus just turned two but somehow instinctively knew what to do. He gently licked a few people and actually cuddled with others. Through it all, his tail was wagging and he had a smile on his face.

Every so often Gus and Charley would turn back to me or kiss each other’s faces. It seemed to give them the security to keep going. I honestly think they sensed the importance of what they were doing.

I was so focused on the dogs, their interactions, their well-being that I was able to hold it together as one person after another got up to speak. Some talked about this amazing man who had been lost too soon. Others talked about the difficult issues we now face in everyday life when peace on campus can be so easily shattered. It was only this morning as I sat with my exhausted dogs around me that I started to cry.

The Daughters, the Doods and the Biceps

As some of you know, the daughters and the Doods have had a few jealousy issues. I hate to say it, but with what my kids went through in my really, really long bodybuilding phase, they should be thrilled at my obsession with the dogs instead of my biceps. Here are some of the top reasons:

1. I no longer walk around flexing.

ELBEE Who is she kidding? She flexes for total strangers and almost anyone who walks in the house.

2. Instead of living in spandex, I have practical outfits for walking the dogs.

THE DOODS We don’t like to be critical and may not be fashion plates but we know a schmata when we see one. Just because pants have pockets doesn’t make them cute.

3. Instead of a fake questionable shade of tan, I now wear ten layers of sunblock when I hike with the dogs.

THE DOODS We’ll take the credit for that. At her age, she should be using industrial strength sunblock.

4. I used to drag the daughters to countless bodybuilding competitions, even to the point when they were old enough to yell, “Mom, flex your abs” from the audience. Now I take my grandchildren to dog class with me.

5. Recently I was a little envious when I heard about a 68 year old woman who is the world’s oldest martial arts champion. For the record, they do have senior bodybuilding competitions. The daughters should be happy that I’m too busy with the Doods to train.

The DOODS Oh sure, blame it on us like that’s the only reason.

6. The daughters are no longer being bench pressed by future felons.

ELBEE I was eavesdropping again so I’ll explain. When the daughters were little she would bring them to a hard core muscle gym and sit them with their dolls and books while she trained. One of the bodybuilders who used to play games with them is now in jail for double murder. Really?

Ok, not my best parenting decision but he seemed very nice at the time.

7. Do I have to say anything about this photo. Yes, it’s me and my partner Ray. No, it’s not photo shopped and yes, my husband and the daughters and Ray’s future wife Tammy were all in the audience using fake names.

CHARLEY Although I am almost bark less, which is rare for me, I have a few questions. Is that who I think it is? Why is she doing it? And can it happen again?

OMG I’m going back to being anonymous. What was she thinking? I’m on team daughter for this one.

GUS I give up. I’m more confused than ever. I’m afraid to even look at the picture.

The Little Dood Solos

Recently Gus soloed at UCLA. Well, I went along but only to hold his leash and provide car service. I honestly think if he had a license, he might have gone by himself. When we got there, he strutted through the huge marble lobby like he owned the place.

CHARLEY AND ELBEE We tried to tell him about Uber but he just didn’t get it.

While he was doing the lobby strut, a few people from administration happened to see us and invited Gus (and me) into their offices. They offered a rug to lie down on and a bowl of water any time we needed it so I think we know who they were trying to impress.

GUS If they’d thrown in a chew bone I would have spent the day with them. They seemed like lovely people.

Up on the fourth floor, Gus worked the neuropsych units like a pro. From the kids, to the teens, to the adults, he knew how to behave with each group of patients. It was almost as if Charley and Elbee had coached him. With his tail wagging, he pranced up and down the halls as the younger kids took turns holding his leash with me. One little girl was so taken with him that she ran to her room and brought her special stuffed animal for him to take home. By the way, he started doing some tricks that I didn’t know were in his repertoire.

CHARLEY AND ELBEE Of course we coached him. We have to protect our reputations. We’re practically doctors. Plus we’d get bored if we just sat around all day, so we chat. For fun we also help him work on his tricks.

Later in the morning, while we were waiting for my car, a woman quietly approached to thank me and to share how grateful she was for the work that we do with the dogs. She said her son was one of the patients that Gus had visited on the fourth floor and that it had made his day. She then walked away to wait for her car. It was one of those simple, touching moments that is its own reward.

GUS I loved going to the hospital and working solo because I got all of the attention. I just didn’t know it was going to be so exhausting. I have to talk to Charley and Elbee about this.

The Daughters, the Doods and Mother’s Day

Charley was the first one to wake me up to wish me a happy mother’s day. Although I am not technically his mother, he is like an adopted son. Danielle and her husband sent beautiful flowers the day before so they were really first but Charley was up close and personal.

CHARLEY Much as I would like to take the credit, I was actually trying to get her to wake up to let Elbee out because he had to throw up. I think he’s having stomach issues.

Later in the day I was stalking my daughters on Facebook and getting totally sentimental about a lovely message that Nicole had written on my page when I scrolled down and there it was! Perhaps my cheesiest bodybuilding photo ever, and believe me, there were many. I confess that I used a smaller version of the photo in an earlier post but this time she enlarged it and surrounded it with roses. No, I am not going to reshare it here.

THE DOODS We were a little disturbed and confused at seeing the smaller version of the photo in the earlier post but this one was huge. We’ve discussed among ourselves and decided that Pack Leader kind of misses the eighties. Trust us we’ve peeked at some other photos. She must have been fake tan for the whole decade.

Apparently Danielle is on the same page as the Doods. She commented that she also thinks I miss the eighties. No doubt Jennifer completely agrees. Okay, they’re probably right. I was the queen of spandex. Somewhere (may it never resurface) is a photo of me dressed in turquoise spandex, singing into an egg beater. Horrifying in itself. Worse because I’m tone deaf.

Nicole, Christian and his daughter Lex came over to spend the afternoon. I thought, how can I “thank” Nicole for the lovely photo share. It was almost too easy…hiking. Christian and Lex love to hike. By the way, Danielle does too. Nicole not so much. It may have to do with a hike we took years ago. She was wearing a nicotine patch to help her quit smoking and unfortunately got a little overheated. Not a good combination, but she hasn’t smoked since!

CHARLEY I would like to say that I am so proud of Nicole for not smoking. I indulge in an occasional cigar but that’s about it.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE HIKE!

My Top 6 Hiking “Oops”

ELBEE Before Pack Leader gets started I would like to say that I have been following this woman into the mountains for years and had no idea it could be hazardous to my health. What was I thinking?

CHARLEY Let me add that all of these disasters occurred pre-Doods which is why my brother was clueless. With us she has remained relatively unscathed. Thank you very much.

My turn to over share. Whenever my daughter/mothers hear on the news that a hiker has been lost, found, or injured they just wait for my name so they can say, “See!” That’s not going to happen because the first thing they do on the news is give your age. I would crawl down first.

Here are my top 6 “oops” in the mountains:

Poison oak. No one ever told me “leaves of three, don’t touch me.” I touched it, walked in it and broke out in a horrible rash.
The broken foot. The dogs were walking nicely by my side when a biker approached like he was at the Tour de France. Watching him, I stepped in a hole, broke a bone and tore a tendon in my foot.
The blood clot. Shortly after the cast came off my foot, I headed back to the mountains, tripped over a rock, hit my leg on another rock and got a huge blood clot on the front of my leg. And yes, I am a little on the clumsy side.
The bee sting. A devious ninja bee stung me on the lip and I swelled up until my face was unrecognizable.
The dog bite. Two very large, very mean dogs attacked my very sweet Golden Retriever Cody. As I jumped in to defend Cody, one of the mean dogs bit me on the neck. When I got to the emergency room (where I was quite well known by then) they said the bite had just missed my jugular.
The rattlesnake bite. On a warm spring day, my husband, the dogs and I were walking up on a ridge through sage and wild mustard. Suddenly I felt an awful pain in my ankle and pulled down my sock to find two perfectly placed puncture marks. My buddies in the emergency room said it was probably an older snake because my foot swelled up, turned purple and twitched but I didn’t get sick. Well I almost got sick at the thought of being bitten by a snake.

On the bright side, I haven’t been air lifted out, eaten by a mountain lion (I’ve seen two) or bitten by a coyote.

ELBEE She forgot to mention that one time a hawk flew so low his talons brushed her hair. My guess is he thought it was nesting material.

GUS That’s it! I’m never going hiking again. Snakes, bodies and now a hawk that could carry me away.

Yentas Walking

My friends and I love hiking for the exercise and the chance to enjoy nature but above all for the freedom it gives us to vent. When one of us calls and says, “I need to hike,” it’s like an emotional SOS. Thanks to our unwritten rule that what we say on the trail stays on the trail, we know it’s safe.

It’s a great workout too. We get so engrossed in our conversations that we make it up some really steep hills. All the talking keeps us going because we can’t just stop in the middle of a major conversation. It would be like calling off a summit conference right before resolving the arms crisis. My husband is amazed that we can talk for three hours straight. Apparently a lot of men can hike without speaking.

Believe me, there is nothing off limits and no issue we can’t resolve. We’re psychologists, political pundits and fabulous mothers. We’re yentas.

We have discussed everything from life and death to hot flashes to Dancing with the Stars. We have solved global warming, analyzed Donald Trump’s hair and talked about raising our children to be independent and then commiserated when they didn’t call us every day. Our conversations are uncensored and politically incorrect. We have opinions on everything but never judge each other.

CHARLEY I’m sorry to say this but maybe they should judge or use a little judgement. I’ve heard things that no dog should be subjected to. I’m just saying, we know where the bodies are buried but we’re not digging them up.

ELBEE Speaking of bodies, PL’s friend Mary said she was surprised that in all their years of hiking they’d never found a body. What really got me is that she sounded disappointed. Oy vey (I picked up that expression when I was eavesdropping) they need to get lives and I need to get better on social media so I can share some of this.

Gus First I find out there are snakes in the mountains and now it’s bodies. If this keeps up, I’m going to need therapy before I’m three.

Take a Hike

In high school I was voted least likely to ever go hiking. At first I was a little offended because I thought it might have to do with my glasses, braces and orthopedic shoes, but as I gave it some thought I was really quite flattered. Although I’d never met a female hiker (I don’t think we had any in Syracuse) I had a vision in mind. They were overgrown Girl Scouts who wore ugly shoes, uglier shorts, carried backpacks and had some sort of Swiss army knives hanging from their belts.

Several years later, with this picture in mind, when a couple of acquaintances at the gym asked me if I’d like to go hiking, I blurted out, “you must be joking!” Then I realized they were both wearing make up and cute outfits and shaved their legs, so I thought why not?

To make a long story short, after one hike, I was hooked. I was a born again nature lover. To this day, there is nothing that has helped me more physically, mentally or spiritually than going into the mountains. It’s like church or temple without the guilt and sermons. Plus you build up your legs and your stamina and can bring your dogs.

When I first started hiking, I went with friends but as the years went by I wanted to take off without waiting for someone else. That’s when I got the brilliant idea to take the dogs. They followed me around like stalkers so why not put the attachment to good use. I didn’t know how much help they’d be in an emergency or if they’d even recognize an emergency, but they gave me a sense of security.

CHARLEY I’m a little offended. Of course I’d recognize an emergency. What Pack Leader neglected to share is that the first time she saw a snake she ran screaming down the trail, and you know she’s not a runner.

GUS There are snakes in the mountains? I’m terrified of snakes. No one ever tells me anything.

You may be shocked to hear that my daughters, remember them, the ones who are suing me and who, somewhere along the line, had become my mothers, were not thrilled with this arrangement. The way they put it was, “You’re that crazy person wandering around the mountains with her dogs.” And I thought I was a cute Grizzly Adams.

ELBEE I have one thing to say. If PL takes one more picture of me with flowers in my hair, I will refuse to ever go hiking again. She’s ruining my street cred.